I’m on a cross-country roadtrip with my mom… and while this is strange for various reasons I won’t go into right now, a funny conversation turned into a major life realization so I thought I’d share it with you. And give you 3 self-reflection prompts at the end!
We were at the Grand Canyon and I was wearing a sheer silk dress with no underwear - you can see the video below. I don’t wear underwear (generally, unless I’m bleeding and even then, eh). I don’t like the extra layers and the way the seams cut into my lymph system around my groins, and I like my vagina and my entire body to breathe. it’s another reason I don’t wear very tight clothing or chemicals or anything that suffocates me. My body likes to breathe.
I like to breathe and BE FREE. Journal entry done. Kidding, kinda.
So, backtrack a bit because my mom and I didn’t have a relationship for years because I didn’t wear a bra once after I came back from India and my clothes were all too big because of, well, India. So I didn’t wear a bra for my itty bitty titties… and then she thought I was trying to be sexual for the entire world and I was already homeless and then it basically spiraled into what I am today. Which is still homeless and braless, so I guess nothing has really changed except that I am a very successful double business owner and a delicious, fully authentic guide for others in how to live their most authentic life… and my mom and I have reconciled and actually REALLY like each other.
Back to the story at hand. I’m standing on the edge of the Grand Canyon and there is a high wind advisory warning (apparently many people have died recently from falling into the GC so I was being semi-careful, but semi-careful for Angela is not careful AT ALL to most humans). And my dress is blowing up over my head and I’m laughing because my cheeks and lips are out in full force. I return to the car and mom says, “Angela, don’t be indecent” to which, because of my decision to be 100% myself no matter what ALL THE TIME without giving a single fuck how anyone feels about it while also not trying to instigate or incite or persuade another, I say effortlessly “Mom, everyone has a butt.” to which SHE effortlessly replied, “Well, that’s true.”
And THAT WAS THE END OF THAT.
The most shocking part of this story is that that was that. There was no other conversation.
Now, I am from the South where even already-squeezed lemonade is beaten to a pulp again. So the fact that this conversation just ended with no complaining about my butt, lack of panties, lack of soap usage, lack of argumentative sass-mouth, lack of couth - the fact that this conversation just ended was extraordinarily representative of where I am in my life and the work I’ve done on myself.
I decided to let it go for a full 24 hours until I could get to the bottom of why this butt exposure was totally okay. Turns out, I wanted it to be more of an issue than she did. Shocking, right? NOPE. When I brought it up again, she once again brushed it off.
Don’t stop reading! Here is where the life-altering realization came in!
My mother has ALWAYS responded exactly the way I instructed her to respond based on my thoughts, words, and actions. I was in my normal full sheer silk with my effortless no-underwear and being totally free-to-be-me on the edge of arguably the largest cliff on the planet, and her response to me was totally just eh. She didn’t make an issue because I didn’t make an issue. She didn’t argue because I didn’t argue. She didn’t demand I change clothes because I wasn’t looking for her to have a huge response to me. I was just being me. And she was just being her. As I began to think back to the post-India itty butty titty situation, and really ALL the situations we’ve ever been in together, I realized she was always only ever reacting to my expectations, thoughts, words, actions, and perceptions.
She was simply giving me the energy I had already created and instructed her to give back to me.
I sat with this for awhile like WAIT WHAT. I mean, I teach this. I know this is true in my entire life, but I always believed blood family and intimate relations had to be different. It had to be hard. It had to be a struggle. My belief about my family created the drama I hated so much and my hate for it created even more of the drama.
I’d like to pause here as my no-underwear, sassy true self riding in the passenger seat of my Toyota Highlander while my mom is driving through Fort Sumner, New Mexico (I’m not even kidding, ask my mom) and give you 3 personal reflections for your intimate relationships.
1. Where are you acting out of fear, rebellion, and self-righteous justification because you think you know how someone will act to you, speak about you, or think of you?
2. How could your life be more free if you relaxed or gave up altogether your perceptions about what other people perceive about you and your life?
3. What change can you make RIGHT NOW so that you feel more peace in Who You Are no matter what your life looks like?
This is where the change happens. Right here. RIGHT NOW.
And, for crying out loud, take off your panties in celebration for my mom not caring about my underwear in absentia!!!!!
I love you, I do.